I'd always considered button fly jeans an awkward and time-consuming hassle, causing many a close-call catastrophe I needn't elaborate on. After a plate of nachos and a pitcher of suds at Pedro's Casa De Caca, a stubborn button can make the difference between sweet relief and a countdown to detonation. (Ok, I elaborated.) But a disturbing recent news story has left my mind and my fly open to any and all options.
According to a horrifying article on NBCNews.com, a study published in the British Journal of Urology International reported that 17,616 men wound up in U.S. emergency rooms between 2002 and 2012 for getting their Johnson's caught in their zippers. That's 1,700 per year, or 5 per day, over that 10 year period. As Dr. Smith, of Lost In Space fame so eloquently put it, "Oh, the pain...the pain."
I noticed that in the margin of the article was an ad for Cialis, the erectile dysfunction drug. Coincidence, or an editors warped sense of humor? Surely it was a joke. Cialis, Viagra, ten Playboy Bunnies and a crane wouldn't help a victim in the throes of agony brought on by a case of "denim dentata." Attack of The Trouser Teeth.
I suppose it's happened to all of us at one time or another. Since the zipper's invention in 1913, this horrible condition has afflicted fathers and their sons for generations. You could say it's in their jeans. (rim shot) Speaking of rim shots, the article goes on to mention that the single most common cause of penile injury to young boys is a toilet seat slamming down when the child is urinating. "You'd be surprised how many little boys rest their penises on the rim," according to the author of the study.
Back to the flies. According to the article, while permanent damage is rare, "zipper entrapment has led to surgical intervention such as undesired circumcision." Paging Dr. Levi Strauss! Report to the E.R.!
So what's a guy to do? If you find "Little Richard" caught in such a predicament, the biggest concern is infection. The author advises us to wash well and apply a little antibiotic ointment. Neosporin. Little dab'll do ya. This advice comes after suggesting we try to gently back the zipper down. And regain consciousness, of course.
And the scariest thing about this study is that 17,616 is the number of REPORTED incidences. Think of the number of near decapitations that, out of understandable embarrassment, never resulted in a trip to the E.R. If it ever happens to me, I will bleed to death before I suffer the Ben Stiller in "Something about Mary" humiliation of being asked through the bathroom door "Is it the frank or the bean?!"
I once, on a chilly day, caught my neck skin in the zipper of my sweat jacket. There are those who would tell me there is little difference.
If you're a guy, and you're still bravely reading this, you probably couldn't find your Willie right now with tweezers and a magnifying glass. Mine's taken up residence somewhere behind my left kidney until I can convince the little guy the coast is clear and coax him to daylight.
All this is enough to make a guy consider alternatives. Any alternative. A Velcro fly, elastic waist pull downs, even a kilt! Because a real man doesn't run from a problem. He meets it head on. And as with most problems, the best solution is often the simplest. So here's the long and short of it: In the interest of self preservation, i've decided it's time to go shopping. But not for BandAids. The time has come to give button fly jeans the nod, and nip this problem in the pud.
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
