No Matter How You Slice It, Surgical Blunders On The Rise

                     

                           No Matter How You Slice It, Surgical Blunders Are On The Rise

For those of you scheduled to undergo surgery in the near future, you might want to add a few items to your hospital overnight ditty-bag. In addition to the usual stash of toothpaste, toothbrush, rosary beads, rabbits foot, Heineken, magazines and Fig Newtons, be sure to include the following: Magic Markers, pens, spray paint, Crayolas, road flares, neon arrows, and a flashing “This End Up” sign.

If you’re thinking this sounds more like art supplies than surgical prep, then you are woefully unprepared for the demands of the modern day surgery patient.

Gone are the days when the naïve patient blindly underwent the knife, putting his life in the capable hands of his trusted doctor. Today’s savvy, survival-minded patient has taken a much more pro-active approach to his medical care in the event that his Av-Med appointed, bottom-of-the-class, dyslexic surgeon can’t read an X-ray or medical file.

The problem I’m winding my way around to here is what is called “wrong-site surgery.” It refers to the surgical blunder where a doctor accidentally operates on the wrong body part.  Of course, the medical field has its own official sounding euphemisms for the problem, preferring the terms “bilateral confusion,” and “symmetry failure” to describe the fact that your doctor can’t tell his left from right. Symmetry failure…hmpf. Sure, if you hack a guy’s leg off instead of removing his appendix, his shadow does appear a little asymmetrical on the sidewalk as he hops his way to the Limbs-A-Plenty prosthesis shop.

Back to the art supplies. Fearful of the ol’ “eenie meenie minee moe” approach, many patients have opted to mark the afflicted limb or region with a magic marker or pen to ensure their doc slices open the correct appendage.

If I ever need surgery, on my leg for example, I plan on taking it a step further. In addition to a big “X marks the spot” sign in fluorescent paint, I will duct tape a road flare to the ankle of the correct leg. Tattooed on the wrong leg will be a rough draft of the lawsuit I will file should his scalpel start to wander. Flashing neon arrows will dangle over the operating table to point the doc in the right direction should he still have any questions. With me in the O.R. will be two tabloid journalists, Dan Rather, a CNN cameraman, my lawyer, and the surgeon’s scowling mother with her arms crossed, tapping her foot. Vultures at the ready, they will spring into action should my doc make the slightest of blunders.

It happens more often then you’d care to know, and to pour a little salt in the wound, the medical profession has actually tried to shift just a little of the blame onto the patient in an effort to save face. According to the Joint Commission on Accreditation of Healthcare Organizations, which is studying this problem, most cases involve “a breakdown in communication between the surgical team and the patient and his family.” BREAKDOWN IN COMMUNICATION??!!!!!!  He’s got ten years of medical school under his belt, X-number of years behind the scalpel, and it’s up to MEEE to say, “Oh, by the way doc, today you’ll be performing my APPENDECTOMY, wherein you shall, after anesthetizing me, swab my belly with disinfectant, slice me open at the neon “X”, remove the appendix, remembering to sew me back up of course, if you’d be so kind. Do you have any questions?!!”

Actually, this isn’t a bad idea now that I think about it! So whether you’re going in for a corn removal or an amputation, potential patients of the world take control! Talk to your doctors, nurses and lawyers so that in the unfortunate event you must go under the knife, you can rest assured you’ll all start off on the right foot.

Or was it the left?



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Amputee Disorder Has Doctors Stumped

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Amputee Disorder Has Doctors Stumped

We all know how expensive medical treatment can be. But for patients of a new disorder, treatment can truly cost an arm and a leg.

Psychiatrists call it “Body Integrity Identity Disorder.” For the layman, here’s the gist: A growing number of otherwise perfectly healthy people feel their life won’t be complete unless they hack off an arm or a leg. As you might expect, there are doctors, scalpels at the ready, more than happy to “heal” these people who call themselves “amputee wannabes.”

According to an article on MSN.com, this relatively new disorder is the subject of a documentary entitled “Whole.” Considering the subject matter, perhaps “3/4” would be more appropriate. I’m sorry but I find it hard to muster much sympathy for these patients. Accident victims around the world, who’ve lost a leg, would give their right arm to get it back, and these folks are chopping theirs off voluntarily.

One man in the documentary even froze his leg in dry ice until it was so badly damaged doctors had to cut it off. Afterwards, the patient claimed, “All my torment has disappeared.” Sure it has; until he tries to convince a shoe salesman he should be charged half-price since he only needs one. On the plus side though, he’ll never waste time matching his socks again.

So desperate are these wannabes that some have actually taken matters into their own hands and have shot their legs off with a shotgun, used chainsaws or homemade guillotines.

The cause of this disorder has doctors and psychiatrists baffled. Unlike other mental disorders, there is no current medication, such as antidepressants, to combat it. So, in lieu of other treatments, doctors are beginning to comply with the patient’s wishes by hacking off the offending appendage.

Although I have no formal medical training, it would appear to a layman like myself that the doctors are cutting off the wrong body part. Cancer patients have surgery on the afflicted region to remove the tumor, even if that means removing the limb or organ it’s attached to. In the case of amputee wannabes, the problem is admittedly “all in their head.”  I may be going out on a limb here, but I’ll betcha this; prescribe a few cranial amputations and this condition disappears faster than a NASCAR fan at a spelling bee.

The documentary also touches on a supposed sexual aspect of this problem. Apparently these wannabes are sexually attracted to other amputees. Kinda gives new meaning to being a leg-man, no?

One thing the article doesn’t mention is what happens when the newness wears off and the attention and sympathy these people obviously crave starts to fade? Can one actually become an amputee addict?  Picture a waiting room full of these patients, each whittled down by their condition until there’s nothing left but a head and torso. All patients would be cured…eventually. Doctors will call the treatment a success; healing by attrition.

Aw hell, maybe I’m being insensitive. Cold, even. And unsupportive of those in distress and crying out for help. It is often easier to criticize or ridicule something you don’t understand rather than admit you can’t grasp it.

Maybe the old adage is true in this case; don’t judge a man till you’ve walked a mile in his shoe.



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Vatican Express Card

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                                                          The Vatican Express Card

                                                                     

…And the Lord sayeth to the believers, “Forsaketh not thy minimum payment, lest ye be chargethed a late fee.”

Sound familiar? I don’t remember that from Sunday school either, but it will soon be worked into sermons across the country as The Church attempts to keep up with the times.

In a departure from the traditional passing of the basket, churches are beginning to accept credit card tithings from their parishoners. No longer will you suffer the embarrassment and humiliation of short-changing the Lord because you had only tainted poker money in your suit pockets. The quiet jingle of change will be replaced by the chuck-chuck! of the credit card imprinter as the basket makes the rounds.

Although it’s difficult to know with any degree of certainty how the Lord feels about the plastic, I think it’s safe to say He wouldn’t approve of the inevitable marketing and advertising bonanza we will be subjected to should this trend catch on.  I picture Jesus, up in heaven, slugging Maalox and shaking his head in bewilderment at the development of 

The Vatican Express Card. “Don’t leave Rome without it.” 

Customers or “believers” as they will be referred to, though not eligible for frequent-flier miles, will still be able to rack up points with The Big Guy through the Tithing Bonus Point Program:

·      Each donation of  $100.00 earns points that can be redeemed (think redemption ) for special gifts or rewards. 50 points earns the faithful one free “Eat meat on Friday coupon.”

·      100 points entitles worshipers to one “Get out of church free card.” (Good for Superbowl Sunday, guys!)

·      150 points earns believers a coupon good for the absolution of one minor sin. Such as skipping church on Superbowl Sunday.

ATM’s, or Automatic Tithing Machines, will be installed at the end of each pew for those who prefer to stick with the traditional cash donation. These machines are multi-denominational. This is not a reference to Catholic, Lutheran or Methodist faiths, it simply means the ATM will dispense $10’s, $20’s, or $50’s. Your monthly statement will be in the form of a scroll, imprinted with the image of Moses parting the waves so a line of believers can make it to a tithing machine. These machines will differ from traditional ATM’s only in that they do not dispense a record of the transaction, as it is considered poor taste to ask the Lord for a receipt. At the bottom of your statement, in gold caligraphy, will be the slogan: “There are no frequent-flier miles, but with The Vatican Express Card, you’ll definitely earn your wings.”

I know what you’re thinking; what about those who fall off the righteous path in regards to their bill? This should not be a major problem, as it’s not generally a smart move, eternally speaking, to stiff the Almighty. However, in the event one should forget their obligation, there is a collection department. It consists of a group of souls in Purgatory who earn their wings through putting transgressors back on the financial “straight and narrow.”  Those still failing to see the light will be dealt with by Gabriel, the Angel of Debt.  It is possible to put one’s self back in God’s good graces, however you will be charged a small pennance fee.

One could argue that it is irrelevant whether your tithing is in the form of cash, check, Lotto ticket, or credit card, that God will still recognize either for what it is; a gift in support of your church. But a donation by credit card leaves one question unanswered. Where does the interest go? Hmmm…My guess?:  the Clergyman’s Legal Defense Fund.

Say “hallelujah!”, can I get a…cha-CHING?!



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