No Matter How You Slice It, Surgical Blunders Are On The Rise
For those of you scheduled
to undergo surgery in the near future, you might want to add a few items to
your hospital overnight ditty-bag. In addition to the usual stash of
toothpaste, toothbrush, rosary beads, rabbits foot, Heineken, magazines and Fig
Newtons, be sure to include the following: Magic Markers, pens, spray paint,
Crayolas, road flares, neon arrows, and a flashing “This End Up” sign.
If you’re thinking this
sounds more like art supplies than surgical prep, then you are woefully
unprepared for the demands of the modern day surgery patient.
Gone are the days when the
naïve patient blindly underwent the knife, putting his life in the capable
hands of his trusted doctor. Today’s savvy, survival-minded patient has taken a
much more pro-active approach to his medical care in the event that his Av-Med
appointed, bottom-of-the-class, dyslexic surgeon can’t read an X-ray or medical
file.
The problem I’m winding my
way around to here is what is called “wrong-site surgery.” It refers to the
surgical blunder where a doctor accidentally operates on the wrong body
part. Of course, the medical field
has its own official sounding euphemisms for the problem, preferring the terms
“bilateral confusion,” and “symmetry failure” to describe the fact that your
doctor can’t tell his left from right. Symmetry failure…hmpf. Sure, if you hack
a guy’s leg off instead of removing his appendix, his shadow does appear a
little asymmetrical on the sidewalk as he hops his way to the Limbs-A-Plenty
prosthesis shop.
Back to the art supplies.
Fearful of the ol’ “eenie meenie minee moe” approach, many patients have opted
to mark the afflicted limb or region with a magic marker or pen to ensure their
doc slices open the correct appendage.
If I ever need surgery, on
my leg for example, I plan on taking it a step further. In addition to a big “X
marks the spot” sign in fluorescent paint, I will duct tape a road flare to the
ankle of the correct leg. Tattooed on the wrong leg will be a rough draft of
the lawsuit I will file should his scalpel start to wander. Flashing neon
arrows will dangle over the operating table to point the doc in the right
direction should he still have any questions. With me in the O.R. will be two
tabloid journalists, Dan Rather, a CNN cameraman, my lawyer, and the surgeon’s
scowling mother with her arms crossed, tapping her foot. Vultures at the ready,
they will spring into action should my doc make the slightest of blunders.
It happens more often then
you’d care to know, and to pour a little salt in the wound, the medical
profession has actually tried to shift just a little of the blame onto the
patient in an effort to save face. According to the Joint Commission on
Accreditation of Healthcare Organizations, which is studying this problem, most
cases involve “a breakdown in communication between the surgical team and the
patient and his family.” BREAKDOWN IN COMMUNICATION??!!!!!! He’s got ten years of medical school
under his belt, X-number of years behind the scalpel, and it’s up to MEEE to
say, “Oh, by the way doc, today you’ll be performing my APPENDECTOMY, wherein
you shall, after anesthetizing me, swab my belly with disinfectant, slice me
open at the neon “X”, remove the appendix, remembering to sew me back up of
course, if you’d be so kind. Do you have any questions?!!”
Actually, this isn’t a bad
idea now that I think about it! So whether you’re going in for a corn removal
or an amputation, potential patients of the world take control! Talk to your
doctors, nurses and lawyers so that in the unfortunate event you must go under
the knife, you can rest assured you’ll all start off on the right foot.
Or was it the left?
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
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