Vatican Express Card

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                                                          The Vatican Express Card

                                                                     

…And the Lord sayeth to the believers, “Forsaketh not thy minimum payment, lest ye be chargethed a late fee.”

Sound familiar? I don’t remember that from Sunday school either, but it will soon be worked into sermons across the country as The Church attempts to keep up with the times.

In a departure from the traditional passing of the basket, churches are beginning to accept credit card tithings from their parishoners. No longer will you suffer the embarrassment and humiliation of short-changing the Lord because you had only tainted poker money in your suit pockets. The quiet jingle of change will be replaced by the chuck-chuck! of the credit card imprinter as the basket makes the rounds.

Although it’s difficult to know with any degree of certainty how the Lord feels about the plastic, I think it’s safe to say He wouldn’t approve of the inevitable marketing and advertising bonanza we will be subjected to should this trend catch on.  I picture Jesus, up in heaven, slugging Maalox and shaking his head in bewilderment at the development of 

The Vatican Express Card. “Don’t leave Rome without it.” 

Customers or “believers” as they will be referred to, though not eligible for frequent-flier miles, will still be able to rack up points with The Big Guy through the Tithing Bonus Point Program:

·      Each donation of  $100.00 earns points that can be redeemed (think redemption ) for special gifts or rewards. 50 points earns the faithful one free “Eat meat on Friday coupon.”

·      100 points entitles worshipers to one “Get out of church free card.” (Good for Superbowl Sunday, guys!)

·      150 points earns believers a coupon good for the absolution of one minor sin. Such as skipping church on Superbowl Sunday.

ATM’s, or Automatic Tithing Machines, will be installed at the end of each pew for those who prefer to stick with the traditional cash donation. These machines are multi-denominational. This is not a reference to Catholic, Lutheran or Methodist faiths, it simply means the ATM will dispense $10’s, $20’s, or $50’s. Your monthly statement will be in the form of a scroll, imprinted with the image of Moses parting the waves so a line of believers can make it to a tithing machine. These machines will differ from traditional ATM’s only in that they do not dispense a record of the transaction, as it is considered poor taste to ask the Lord for a receipt. At the bottom of your statement, in gold caligraphy, will be the slogan: “There are no frequent-flier miles, but with The Vatican Express Card, you’ll definitely earn your wings.”

I know what you’re thinking; what about those who fall off the righteous path in regards to their bill? This should not be a major problem, as it’s not generally a smart move, eternally speaking, to stiff the Almighty. However, in the event one should forget their obligation, there is a collection department. It consists of a group of souls in Purgatory who earn their wings through putting transgressors back on the financial “straight and narrow.”  Those still failing to see the light will be dealt with by Gabriel, the Angel of Debt.  It is possible to put one’s self back in God’s good graces, however you will be charged a small pennance fee.

One could argue that it is irrelevant whether your tithing is in the form of cash, check, Lotto ticket, or credit card, that God will still recognize either for what it is; a gift in support of your church. But a donation by credit card leaves one question unanswered. Where does the interest go? Hmmm…My guess?:  the Clergyman’s Legal Defense Fund.

Say “hallelujah!”, can I get a…cha-CHING?!



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